talking on mute.

i sat on the ground today and dug into the dirt, feeling the texture between my fingers. it was cold and gritty, but smooth when you rubbed it together. some of it was damp, but the rest was dry and made a wonderful sound when you tossed it into the air. i needed to stim like that. it brought me back down where i needed to be.

I am really really trying not to complain but I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. Now someone is being a passive aggressive asshole and tied a plastic bag to the fence post that must have blown out of our yard. It is windy as fuck up here and the occasional stray bag gets loose. There is no point in being a douchebag about it, though. I don’t like passive aggressiveness. It reminds me of my mother.

I’m trying. I really am. I seem so disagreeable and I know that. I just want to be okay and feel okay.

i am living in a tent in the middle of nowhere on top of a mountain and still have neighbors.

i had a bad meltdown last night. i was just so overloaded and i have been trying not to ‘act autistic’ because christian is making friends with the neighbors and i am unable to not act autistic because i am autistic. i don’t have an issue with the neighbors, but there isn’t a single part of me that is capable of pretending to be allistic or neurotypical right now and this isn’t working. i know i need to make friends or whatever, but it’s too fucking hard to deal with all the sensory shit and the lack of routine and everything and pretend like i am not feeling overwhelmed and about to shutdown. if i don’t let myself shutdown, then i end up having a meltdown.

i tried emailing my old friend but she won’t respond to me, so i guess she hates me. i deserve it, in a way, but i also always took her back after she would pull her shit and not talk to me or would do something mean. i guess i thought it could be okay, but it can’t be. i need to accept that and move on. i don’t know if i can make friends anymore.

i need someone to talk to and there isn’t anyone.

got phone. got hotspot. hoping to get back to feeling better and having a routine.

my charlie came back!

got a phone that has 3G service up here, so got internet again. charlie is missing. he got out this morning and we can’t find him. i hope he comes back. i miss him so much.